Friendship isn't always 50/50

Whatever illness, crisis, recovery or transition your friend is going through, he or she quite possibly cannot respond to your friendship right now. Just remember - it's not about you right now. Returning phone calls, acknowledging cards or meals or other help may take more energy and time than your friend has to spare. Be patient, and continue to stay in touch from your end. Your friend will be so grateful that you're not giving up and that you are allowing him or her the space needed right now.

Learn to put aside your own discomfort about the situation your friend faces. Your friendship and continued presence are needed now. You don't have to know what to say, and you don't have to have answers. Just listen and be there. It's OK to ask questions, but just a smile and a wave can also mean a lot. :-)

Yes, it WILL be OK ...
but right now it's NOT!

Your friend will go through many emotions through the course of his or her life-changing event. Try to leave your friend in the emotion he or she is experiencing. That emotion has a purpose; it is like a season of his or her life. It, too, will change. We humans go through extreme highs and extreme lows whether we are celebrating the birth of a precious baby, mourning the death of a dear parent, or recovering from major surgery. Try to "go with the flow" and be supportive of your friend regardless of whatever mood you happen to find him or her in when you stop by to visit. Your job is to be a good listener if your friend wants to share a story about the situation. But let your friend take the lead; you can ask a question, and if your friend obviously does not want to discuss details with you, find other conversation topics. And, just as well to refrain from saying "It will be OK." Of course it will, but right now, it's NOT.

Don't go away

The recurring theme from people going through a trauma is that friends don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. This leaves the person going through a difficult time feeling alone. Even though your friend will need and want time to BE alone, make sure your friend never FEELS alone!! Check the WhatFriendsDo.com cheer pages for suggestions of ways to keep in touch and simple acts of kindness that will make his or her days (and yours!) brighter.

Just say NO ... it's what we do

It's what we are used to saying. We are used to taking care of ourselves, and accepting offers of help is not comfortable for most of us, and sometimes can make us feel that others consider us to be incompetent. So when you offer to help your friend, and they decline, ask again. Be specific. Remember that saying "call if you need anything" often feels like the cliché "let's do lunch." Your friend most likely will not call. It is up to you to offer specific help. Don't push, but ask frequently.

One tactic that might be helpful is to suggest a choice. For example, "May I run some errands for you on Tuesday, or would you prefer that I bring over some stamps one afternoon and help address greeting cards?"

Food for Thought

Take food in recyclable containers you do not need back - or label your dishes. Your WhatFriendsDo.com team probably has designated one person to return dishes. If your friend has just had lost items in a fire or natural disaster, buy a new dish and use it to deliver your meal.

• Remember dietary restrictions - check
  the WhatFriendsDo.com team page for likes/dislikes/allergies -
  and for the schedule.
• Take the WHOLE meal ... salad, vegetables, fruit, bread, dessert ... not
  just the main course. Add something for an afternoon or evening snack.
• Lots of people will bring meals - consider giving your friend a snack basket - junk food as well as the nutritious stuff.
• You can still help, even if you're far away! Send a Restaurant.com gift card, or call ahead, pay and have a meal delivered to your friend's doorstep!

The Lasagna Law - Be sure to check your friend's WhatFriendsDo.com team page. It will list food likes, dislikes and food allergies. You'll also find a schedule, so that four people don't show up with lasagna in the same week!

Pets are Family, too!

If your friend has a pet, you can brighten everyone's day by taking along a pet treat when you visit. You can also offer to take a dog for a walk or to a dog park for a good run. In cases of severe emergencies, such as house fires, keep in mind that Humane Societies offer emergency services for pet owners. Should this be pertinent for your friend's situation, you could get the local Humane Society information and make necessary calls.

On the importance of staying close - A Note from Laura's Mom

I just finished listening to a broadcast on PBS on childhood cancers, something I just happened upon. One thing that struck me was a parent who said that the family felt isolated. Other teenagers were afraid; other families sort of left them alone because they didn't know how to deal with them, something like that. (I wasn't listening to every minute of this.) Anyway it brought home to me for the manieth time how helpful, supportive and fun you all have been for Laura and me.

I hope we hae given you enough feedback, because you and all of Laura's team have been with us all along, and that makes it too easy to take you all for granted, especially when we are dazed and confused from time to time.

Love, Marian

Surprises

Sometimes surprises are NOT a good idea. As well-meaning as a major project or fund-raising event may be, check with your friend and/or their family before you start your plans. Check also to see if there are legal implications to whatever you may be planning (such as a fundraiser). There may be personal situations you are not aware of (and don't need to be aware of!), or maybe someone else has already started to organize an activity. Save your surprises for random acts of kindness and cheer. If your friend has a WhatFriendsDo.com team page, sign up there to take a meal rather than showing up with a surprise dinner. Drop-in visits can sometimes be untimely, and even intrusive. Well-meaning gestures can sometimes turn out to be unwelcome.

About Calling

While phone calls are a wonderful way to keep in touch, keep in mind that the timing of your call may not be ideal. If you reach voice mail or an answering machine, leave a cheerful message, express your concern, and let your friend know you are thinking of him/her. Leave your phone number (yes, even if you're a close friend - always leave a phone number ... maybe someone else is retrieving messages and writing them down, so your number will be helpful). And don't be put out if you do not receive a return phone call. You should even include in your message that you do not need a return call - you are only letting them know you are thinking of them. Remember ... during this life-changing event, it really IS "all about your friend." The last thing a friend in crisis needs to worry about is other people's hurt feelings.

Thank you!

Don't EXPECT thank you notes ... some people will be sending them regularly, and some friends will just not be able to deal with sending notes. You've offered friendship - and a thank you note is NOT required! However, if it seems helpful, offer to address envelopes for thank you notes or offer to write notes for your friend. Do you make homemade cards? Your friend will love having some 'thank you' cards to use.

Friends are Friends

Just as your friends may be very knowledgeable, they are not always medical experts. WhatFriendsDo.com is not a substitute for medical advice. WhatFriendsDo.com and the WhatFriendsDo.com newsletters are not intended to, and do not, provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images and information are for general informational purposes only. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this site or in a WhatFriendsDo.com e-mail newsletter.

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If our words have offended you, we apologize. If we've made you smile or laugh ... we've done our job.